Classic Game Stories

Can you say which is which?

  1. Plumber loves princess who is abducted by a turtle dragon.
  2. Scientists accidentally create a portal to hell (on Mars)
  3. Shiny aliens and tentacle aliens compete with humans for planets at the ass of the universe. Dude’s girlfriend is abducted by tentacle aliens and turns evil, breaking dude’s heart.
  4. Trigger-happy adventurer is hired by posh businesswoman who is actually the queen of Atlantis and (surprise) wants to breed an army of monsters but lost her ancient artifact which is now in a cave in Egypt.
  5. Ancient Evil sends horde of monsters to ravage village in the middle of nowhere whose village elder and bishop are somehow missing. Protagonist enters the evil church and kills Ancient Evil but chooses to jam its soulstone into his own head. Also, cows.
  6. Dude, his girlfriend and grandpa are abducted by aliens. After grandpa dies unceremoniously, dude hooks up with scantily clad alien priestess to save the universe, kills his girlfriend who turned into a monster, kills the evil alien queen and, supposedly, lives happily ever after with scantily clad alien priestess.
  7. Scientists messed up again and something explodes elaborately and aliens are now everywhere. Also zombies. And protagonist now actually is a scientist.
  8. You live in a city and steal cars and kill people as much as you want to because you’re doing jobs for some gang or other. (This one made millions.)
  9. Scientists’ teleporter experiment went wrong and actually gated in monsters whose mother is Tentacle-Blob. Collect the magical runes to kill Tentacle-Blob with a spiky thing that is actually a teleporter.
  10. Scientists messed up AGAIN and gave the job to kill the Strelok to the Strelok himself, who lost his memory. Also, Chernobyl exploded again and happily created an army of mutants.
  11. You make your plane crash into the ocean next to a GIGANTIC LIGHTHOUSE (hint) and kill your father who rules an underwater city after losing your memory but you were actually manipulated into doing it. Also, creepy little girls.
  12. Aliens crashed into a tropical island and ‘Murica has to fight North Korea which is somehow a superpower.
  13. Protagonist is a child of Bhaal, the god of murder, who is no longer with us but needs a successor. Protagonist is sort of happy with the situation but other bhaal-spawn aren’t.
  14. Purple-haired girl goes up againt evil magic-hating empire in an airship with her mentally troubled friends.
  15. Protagonist is haunted by his cannibalistic brother who stole an army of clones, and a creepy little girl who turns out to be the mother of both.
  16. Protagonist has to save the president’s daughter from cultists whose heads often explode to reveal monstrous parasites.
  17. Protagonist is betrayed by god of war into killing his family, then goes on a killing spree and becomes the new god of war.
  18. Protagonist goes to retrieve some random artifact for their god but have to take it up with Vlad the Impaler and Rodney the wizard as well as the four riders of the apocalypse, of all things, before finally an angelic choir sings and they are bathed in radiance unless YASD happens. DYWYPI?
  19. Protagonist is trapped in an experimental obstacle course (or a spaceship full of aliens) and needs to fight an evil computer who wants to kill her (him).
  20. Aliens invade and ‘Murica (or somebody) has to fight them. In space, ideally.

It’s probably a treasure trove for psychologists. Can’t help to notice how half the time, someone’s mother or father or girlfriend is abducted by aliens or is evil and needs to be rescued or killed. Oh well. Also scientists are breaking the universe and letting monsters or aliens in. And gods (or evil corporations) meddle and leave the mess for humans to clean up.

We’re all poor victims of nasty circumstances.

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One response to “Classic Game Stories

  • kneedeepinthedoomed

    Solution:

    1. Super Mario
    2. DOOM
    3. Starcraft
    4. Tomb Raider 1
    5. Diablo
    6. Prey
    7. Half-Life
    8. Grand Theft Auto
    9. Quake
    10. S.T.A.L.K.E.R.
    11. Bioshock
    12. Crysis
    13. Baldur’s Gate
    14. Final Fantasy III / VI
    15. FEAR
    16. Resident Evil 4
    17. God of War
    18. Nethack
    19. Portal (or System Shock)
    20. A lot of games

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